Day 9: Revelations

This morning was really hard. I had organized my outfit for tomorrow but realized it was much too cold out the next morning and had to take the time to find another one. This was incredibly stressful because I desperately need some black boots but I can't seem to find any. Almost all of the outfits I compiled I can't wear because they don't go with any of my shoes!

I really really really really need some black effing boots!


Anyway, when I got to class later for Biology I had to go with a different group than normal. I ended up in a group of all men. two of which seemed to be either complete idiots or total stoners.

Not that I have a problem with stoners, quite the contrary, I think they're really laid back and nice people. But these guys seemed to have instantly wrote me off as some dumb bimbo and initially tried to take charge of the experiment by avoiding any interaction with their group mates whatsoever.

I should have been a good girly girl and embraced this assumption but I was furious to be treated like an invalid and worked to prove my worth. It seemed though that the more I spoke and asked critical questions regarding the experiment the more I was considered to be not only a dumb bimbo, but a controlling one too.

I try my best to encourage others to have their say in the matter because as a child I was never given a chance to speak. I also try not to be too passive because I was never allowed to speak my mind as a child and I don't want to perpetuate that feeling I had of being wallpaper.

Still, I think I strike a pretty good balance between the two extremes, though I do tend to be a little passive at times.

I get extremely upset when I am treated like I'm controlling or stupid because I am neither, and far from those too! But still, many times, as a woman, being assertive is interpreted as being aggressive and being smart makes men feel emasculated, so I just can't win with these guys!

I realized that as a girly girl, there is a stereotype of them being dumb. I knew a girl in junior high who was in all the AP(advanced placement) classes but she dropped out because she was ashamed. She later became popular even though she was into sports and incredibly smart.

scabbing from day 3's shoes

From seeing what I saw today, I understand the extreme pressures girls go through to become their prescribed stereotypes. If a girly girl were to come into a class knowing what was going on and giving all the right answers, the social contradiction in others' minds would be overwhelming.

Some people absolutely need to categorize others, especially if the targeted people appear to fit into a certain category. I think that once that idea is set in some people's minds, it's hard to change.

Today I felt less respect for humanity. The fact that I am put into a box because if my appearance saddens and disgusts me. But most of all, the fact that such smart women are put into the same box everyday is the worst.

How many times have you talked to a girly girl and kept the conversation to 'her level' because she was obviously not capable of something more? How many times have you seen someone like her and talked shit about how she won't do anything but find a man and have his children?

I know I've done it. It's so easy, so acceptable, because she's asking for it right? She's putting so much time and effort into her appearance, so that must be all she really cares about. What if she could have been better? What if in high school she gave in to the social pressures and once she was out there was no turning back? What if once that hair goes blonde and the clothes stay cute then everyone just thinks they know what she is deep inside?

Is there really a girl who never had any dreams in life but to be whisked away by her brave knight to live comfortably in a castle having his children? Is this what she chose to think, or did we choose it for her?

More "payoff" from looking so good

There isn't a payoff to all this, looking pretty doesn't "pay off". It just makes people decide who you are before you have a say.

I was reading my textbook for abnormal psychology and the acceptability of judging people based on their appearance is tangible! "The client's general mode of dress (neat, conventional, sloppy, flashy) ... may be correlated with personality traits, or, perhaps, with a disorder."

Not that I'm saying there is never any merit behind such judgments. There is a lot of merit behind it, or else psychologists wouldn't use it as a tool to assess clients. But my point is that it is acceptable to judge people based on their clothing and physical appearance. What does that do to these girls?

I'm also not saying that they are completely absolved of their actions, but I don't agree with blind or even somewhat founded judgments against people that push them further into their stereotypes.

When I get passionate about what I'm saying in the presence of another man, and he interprets it as me being bitter and angry, I get more bitter and angry than I ever was because I'm being put into a place where I can't truly be considered who I really am, and it makes me angry!

If a girly girl talks to a group of men, and whenever she says something smart or insightful they laugh and patronize her, she is expected to be what they think she should be, and after how many times this happens will she stop fighting it, especially if when she fights it she is looked at as some pretentious bitch.

This was a real wake up call. I didn't really think there was much justification for girly girls to act so stupid. I thought men would be attracted to an intelligent and well put together woman.

Today has broken me down a bit. I feel insecure and depressed. This is an overwhelming feeling of helplessness. I need to embrace this feeling and surround myself with girls who embrace who I've made myself become. I hope tomorrow will be better.